From: firstname.lastname@example.org (Eightmeg )
Subject: Outside Looking In, A Primer For Newcomers
Date: 4 Sep 1995
Outside Looking In, A Primer For Newcomers
As there are constantly a lot of newcomers reading femdom I would
like to share a few insights that I have picked up.
MEETING A DOMINANT WOMAN
Many newcomers are anxious to meet and get close to a femdom (aka
female dominant). Quite a number make common mistakes. One grammatical
mistake quickly comes to mind: using the word "dominate"
in place of the word "dominant." Too many people say "I
am looking for a dominate woman . . ." This mistake may seem
minor; the problem is that it is so common that most of the regular
femdom readers get irritated when they see this.
More importantly, when you are posting a personal or presenting
yourself to a femdom you would do well to avoid the lost little
boy' routine. . . the first time you meet a female dominant, I suggest
that instead of crawling, begging and acting like the slave you
are, that you present yourself as a regular person would, with a
display of self-esteem. All woman want a man who is capable of taking
care of himself. They are not looking for a baby to take care of
and be responsible for. You will need to make the impression that
you will add to their life, add support, add financially if possible.
I asked a dominant woman why there were so many submissive men
who couldn't find a dominant woman and she said "women would
love a sub. Who wouldn't want a man that wants to serve them and
follow her every order?" So why were there so many subs who
couldn't find dominant women I asked. She said "because most
subs aren't good at making money - they need someone to take care
of them." She went on to give me a few examples.
This made a lot of sense to me because I know that if you are going
to be successful in business you need to be aggressive. If you are
submissive at work you are not as likely to be successful. So her
point was that a lot of doms have to take care of and sometimes
support the submissive. I believe woman in general look for a man
who can provide the necessities of life and maybe a bit more and
I think dominant women are no different. So when someone initially
presents themself as a person who needs guidance and direction,
they are giving that kind of negative impression.
First, meet the dominant woman, get to know her, show her you love
yourself (because who can love you if you don't love yourself first?)
and interest her with what you are doing, what your hobbies are,
your qualities. See if you are in agreement about different issues,
offer your opinion. Dammit, subs, be aggressive! If you snivel in
a corner and whine that you can't meet a dominant woman no one is
going to come and say "Its OK, I will be your dream Goddess."
Another pitfall is stating "I will do everything you say."
One thing is they know everyone has limits and to express yourself
this way seems pretentious. Better to say "I enjoy light bondage
and servitude while my limits are anal play" or "I enjoy
enemas and nipple play" rather than "your wish is my command"
because that is what everyone says, and it is simply not true. If
she is a good dom, she will find out what you enjoy so that she
can better control you as well as satisfy you.
A good idea is to talk a little about what your interests are out
of the scene. "I like photography . . .plays. . .movies. .
. playing poker . . in my work I travel a lot (she may like travel)
or I like to fix up cars (so she knows her car will always be running).
Give her some idea of what benefits she may receive from knowing
and associating with you. Also it is more important that you two
will be compatible in other ways besides the sexual if you are looking
for a long term relationship, it doesn't make sense to only present
the sexual when you submit a personal ad.
Location is important. If you are living in a small town and you
REALLY want to find a dominant woman, seriously consider moving
to a large city. Many people have a hard time finding a mate even
in a large city like Los Angeles. In a small town the odds are stacked
against you. New York or San Francisco would be good choices; the
SM community is well established there. You will find clubs, parties,
publications etc. . . Many woman of the 90's are very dominant.
These big city woman are progressive. The formal social conditioning
and traditions that may be present in a small town might not encourage
women to be who they are today -- Amazons. Black Scorpians with
thigh high black boots . . . ah well!. . The Dominant Woman that
we are all seeking or have sought. In a small town people are more
concerned about where they are seen, what they are doing. They don't
have as much freedom to explore in a large faceless city.
In my next Outside Looking In post I would like to share some ideas
I have for women who are just discovering female dominance and find
that they like it and would like some suggestions on how to encourage
it in her personal relationship.