Meeting a Dominant Woman

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From: (Eightmeg )
Subject: Outside Looking In, A Primer For Newcomers
Date: 4 Sep 1995

Outside Looking In, A Primer For Newcomers

As there are constantly a lot of newcomers reading femdom I would like to share a few insights that I have picked up.


Many newcomers are anxious to meet and get close to a femdom (aka female dominant). Quite a number make common mistakes. One grammatical mistake quickly comes to mind: using the word "dominate" in place of the word "dominant." Too many people say "I am looking for a dominate woman . . ." This mistake may seem minor; the problem is that it is so common that most of the regular femdom readers get irritated when they see this.

More importantly, when you are posting a personal or presenting yourself to a femdom you would do well to avoid the lost little boy' routine. . . the first time you meet a female dominant, I suggest that instead of crawling, begging and acting like the slave you are, that you present yourself as a regular person would, with a display of self-esteem. All woman want a man who is capable of taking care of himself. They are not looking for a baby to take care of and be responsible for. You will need to make the impression that you will add to their life, add support, add financially if possible.

I asked a dominant woman why there were so many submissive men who couldn't find a dominant woman and she said "women would love a sub. Who wouldn't want a man that wants to serve them and follow her every order?" So why were there so many subs who couldn't find dominant women I asked. She said "because most subs aren't good at making money - they need someone to take care of them." She went on to give me a few examples.

This made a lot of sense to me because I know that if you are going to be successful in business you need to be aggressive. If you are submissive at work you are not as likely to be successful. So her point was that a lot of doms have to take care of and sometimes support the submissive. I believe woman in general look for a man who can provide the necessities of life and maybe a bit more and I think dominant women are no different. So when someone initially presents themself as a person who needs guidance and direction, they are giving that kind of negative impression.

First, meet the dominant woman, get to know her, show her you love yourself (because who can love you if you don't love yourself first?) and interest her with what you are doing, what your hobbies are, your qualities. See if you are in agreement about different issues, offer your opinion. Dammit, subs, be aggressive! If you snivel in a corner and whine that you can't meet a dominant woman no one is going to come and say "Its OK, I will be your dream Goddess."

Another pitfall is stating "I will do everything you say." One thing is they know everyone has limits and to express yourself this way seems pretentious. Better to say "I enjoy light bondage and servitude while my limits are anal play" or "I enjoy enemas and nipple play" rather than "your wish is my command" because that is what everyone says, and it is simply not true. If she is a good dom, she will find out what you enjoy so that she can better control you as well as satisfy you.

A good idea is to talk a little about what your interests are out of the scene. "I like photography . . .plays. . .movies. . . playing poker . . in my work I travel a lot (she may like travel) or I like to fix up cars (so she knows her car will always be running). Give her some idea of what benefits she may receive from knowing and associating with you. Also it is more important that you two will be compatible in other ways besides the sexual if you are looking for a long term relationship, it doesn't make sense to only present the sexual when you submit a personal ad.

Location is important. If you are living in a small town and you REALLY want to find a dominant woman, seriously consider moving to a large city. Many people have a hard time finding a mate even in a large city like Los Angeles. In a small town the odds are stacked against you. New York or San Francisco would be good choices; the SM community is well established there. You will find clubs, parties, publications etc. . . Many woman of the 90's are very dominant. These big city woman are progressive. The formal social conditioning and traditions that may be present in a small town might not encourage women to be who they are today -- Amazons. Black Scorpians with thigh high black boots . . . ah well!. . The Dominant Woman that we are all seeking or have sought. In a small town people are more concerned about where they are seen, what they are doing. They don't have as much freedom to explore in a large faceless city.

In my next Outside Looking In post I would like to share some ideas I have for women who are just discovering female dominance and find that they like it and would like some suggestions on how to encourage it in her personal relationship.

end of female domination, femdom story